Have a child who is not great about getting ready on time for school unless you constantly remind them to move to the next task?
Does your child react strongly when asked to do something and accuse you of always asking them to do things they don’t want to do?
Do you battle it out everyday to get your child to do their homework?
If any of these things sound familiar, you are certainly not alone. It can be frustrating to deal with these kinds of issues and over time can significantly impact the quality of your relationship with your child.
It is a tough balance between reminding them to do things they need or should do versus letting things be. If you don’t push or keep reminding, you may have less conflicts, but at what cost?
Each child’s needs are different so it can be challenging how to approach things. However, for many kids, there are three areas to address that can likely help make these kinds of situations better.
Address the Root Cause of the Challenges as Feasible
- Identify the underlying issues: Obviously, you see what the behavior is that is problematic (i.e., my child won’t brush their teeth, he/she won’t sit down to do homework, they won’t get ready for school without lots of prompting). What is underlying the challenge? For brushing teeth, is it a lot of effort to stop what they are doing to go brush them? Do they feel rushed in the morning or at night? Does your child dislike the taste of their toothpaste? With trouble doing homework, does he/she have too much energy built up when you want them to start? Is the homework very difficult and they lack confidence that they can do it?
- Discuss with your child: Discussing the issues with your child not in the heat of the moment or issue to get their perspective on it and what they think could help make things better is a great starting point.
- Seek professional help if needed: Sometimes the underlying issues are fairly straightforward and may have a somewhat easy fix. Other times, they can be signs of more significant issues such as anxiety, Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), or depression. In these situations, or really any one that you cannot manage effectively on your own, finding the right kind of professional to help you support your child can make the world of difference.
Focus First on the Quality of The Relationship With Your Child
- Positive interactions: Studies have illustrated the important fact that the relationship between a child and their parent can have a profound impact on the child’s likelihood of thriving and can help offset potential challenges such as anxiety or sadness.
- Build up a reserve of positive interactions: Having more positive interactions can help build up a deposit of points in a sense where if you have lots of positive interactions it can offset some negative ones and the impact that those negative situations have on the quality of the relationship. Basically, if you spend time with your child doing things that they enjoy (i.e., play catch, go for a walk, ride bikes, play basketball, go to the movies, go bowling) and don’t constantly focus on things they need to be doing, these positive interactions can help lessen the strain on the relationship when you have to confront your child about things that may lead to a conflict.
- Pick and choose your battles to some degree. If your child doesn’t pick up their clothes off the floor in their room, is that worth a daily battle with yelling and screaming?
- Schedule times to discuss things that in the moment turn into an issue: Sometimes having set times to go over scheduling and tasks for the week, review completion of chores, etc. can help kids better navigate things. Specifically, it can help them because they can mentally prepare to discuss things if it’s a set time to do so (i.e., Sunday evenings, each day before or after dinner). In addition, for kids who often feel on guard that you are going to constantly ask them about grades, things they should be doing, etc. knowing that they are not as likely to be asked these things except at preset times can sometimes make a huge difference in the relationship and their overall mental health.
Again, each child is different so it is important to look at your child as an individual (and even the needs of one sibling versus another can vary greatly) and take steps to help support them and in turn help foster a stronger relationship and hopefully less stress for you as well.
